welcome to my journal (ignore how it's weed themed lol). here, i write up on how im feeling and my current mood. i'll document things that has happened, and tell you guys the things that are stressing me out, as theres nowhere else to yell out my frustrations without someone yelling at me through text.

this journal may contain sensitive stuff like mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and a lot more that might not be appropiate tho those who are sensitive to that kind of stuff.

12th of february, 2024

i just made quick animation because i felt like it. i tried to animate something else entirely different but that didnt seem to work as flash kept on crashing without any notice at all. odd. anyways heres the animation test i made :

not too proud of this tbh because theres so many errors that i could see, but i couldnt figure out how to fix them. i might try again tomorrow idk. this took me like what? 3 to 4 hours ? it didnt take long honestly.

14th of february, 2024

i think i ruined my reputation. today, two people came up to me through dm's and called out my horrible behaviour towards the server owner. i felt awful and i was panicking because i knew i was in massive trouble, and my heartrate increased a lot while i was getting called out. i have clearly messed things up and ruined someone's life over my hurtful words for the past 2 months. had i not been reckless while i was saying all those stuff, none of this wouldve happened and everyone would be fine and dandy. i still cannot for the life of me figure out a way to apologise to the server owner because i know he will never forgive me and would start to have another mental breakdown. i dont know how to forgive him without having my apology sounding disingenuous. idk i feel awful for what i did.

12th of April, 2024

i am NOT having a good time right now i- my stomach is hurting like hell i think im constipated or something but either way i feel like im getting stabbed by a toy knife right now and i also vomited a few times alongside trying to clear up my bowels. I need laxatives or anything that clears up my stomach PLEASE i am just not having a grand old time rn it hurts and idk why. Update i think i have epigrastic hernia but idk i'll figure things out once i figure out how to stop it from happening

13th of april, 2024

ok so that entry made yesterday is just now being posted because i was way too weak to go onto the computer. i'm fine now but i was suffering hard when i wrote that entry. also happy birthday homestuck its officially 413 and i have no surprises readied up but uhhh im on page 2018 of the comic and that is very swaggerlicious.

19th of April, 2024

i might be autistic

17th of May, 2024

two days ago i was agitated in class and as a result i decided to lick some pen ink because i wanted to kill myself on the spot while trying not to get caught,, i even tried drinking some ink in science class and she was confused on what i was doing.. i was also being overly emotional and crying because i was tearing up a bit and i even stained my tongue black which confused the teacher a bit lol. after school i tried to drink the pen ink in full but was obviously hesistant because of the medicine-like taste it had. obviously i conquered my fear by doing it tomorrow and hesitantly finished the entire thing. after that i brushed my teeth and tongue and i was planning on drinking highlighter ink the same day but failed and now today is the next day and i tried drinking the highlighter ink but failed because of how secure the ink is.

today i just sucked the nibs from the highlighters, tried eating an oil pastel but failed because of the texture and how crumbly it is, tried eating lipstick but failed because i didnt like the floral scent i smelled the moment i had a bit of it in my mouth + i didnt like how slippery and sludgy the texture is, but at least i managed to finish up an entire pen that had ink that tasted like soap. also my friends and my partner and other people are concerned about this newfound appetite i have because we all know itll hurt me but ive always wanted to hurt myself in a way that wouldnt be obvious lol.

24th of may, 2024

i ate raw meat yesterday. it kept making me gag every time i try to swallow because of the fact that im eating raw meat. also the cut itself was just god awful like seriously tho it was really maroon and lean that i couldnt even bear to do it without constantly post-poning it.

24th of june, 2024

todays my birthday. i asked my mom for a gift and i may or may not get lucky enough to be able to go to IOI which is my favourite mall. i asked her for a 'sylvanian family house set', but im hoping i get to also go to puzzle planet to get a box of jigsaws, and go to lovely lace to buy a teaset and a wedding decoration. i love wedding decorations theyre so pretty and beautiful.

17th of August, 2024

been getting into pajama sam and spy fox

9th of September, 2024

ive been having heart problems and trouble breating lately. when i say troble breathing i dont mean like i actually feel like i cant breathe i mean im breathing normally but it feels heavy in my lungs and heart that i keep having to take deep breaths to make sure i dont die from forgetting to breathe. anyways yea my phone bill needs to be paid but i havent gotten my mom to pay for it yet, and ive been using my home internet to keep going online. its slow and really annoying when the connection decides to fail even tho its still connected, but at least i fianlly have music i will actually listen to saved in my playlist. also ive been interested and sam-pilled so much that i start thinking like him lol.